E040 | 5 Perfectionism pitfalls women face—and how to conquer them

Are you tired of feeling like you have to do everything perfectly to succeed?

What if the key to real, sustainable success isn't perfection, but learning to be gentle with yourself?

Many of us believe that we must do everything right before we can begin our healing journey. This pursuit of perfection can leave us feeling stuck and overwhelmed, preventing us from taking the necessary steps toward our goals.

In this episode, we share the inspiring story of Kavita, who transformed her life by letting go of perfectionism and embracing small, imperfect steps. Her journey illustrates that sustainable success is about self-compassion, consistency, and starting small.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• How self-compassion can be a powerful tool in your healing journey.
• The pitfalls of perfectionism and how it can hinder your progress.
• Practical steps to embrace imperfection and make meaningful progress toward your goals.

Remember, healing doesn't require perfection; it starts with one small, compassionate step forward.

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Join our free Facebook group: Embrace Your Healing Journey.

Book: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown.

Learn about the "BODY WISE HEALING" FRAMEWORK.

For more insights on self-compassion and making small, impactful changes, check out our previous episodes:

• E32: The Missing Key in Chronic Illness Self-Care.
• E22: Keep It Simple: Small Shifts for the Chronically Ill.

Chapters

• 1:03 Kavita’s story is such a powerful reminder of what’s possible
• 4:08 What perfectionism is NOT!
• 8:42 When you’re caught in a cycle of doing too much
• 12:25 Waiting for the “Perfect Time” to Start
• 15:04 5 ways to shift your focus and finally start seeing the changes you’ve been craving
• 17:00 Ditch the perfection mindset
• 19:39 Break free from the perfectionism trap

Transcript

Are you tired of feeling like you have to do it all perfectly to succeed?

What if the secret to real, sustainable success isn't perfection, but learning to be gentle with yourself? In today's episode, we're diving into the surprising power of self-compassion and why letting go of striving for perfection could be the key to achieving your biggest goals. You don't want to miss this conversation that will change how you approach healing, growth, and life itself.

Welcome to Embrace Your Healing Journey, a podcast for women with autoimmune and other chronic conditions to help them navigate the illness without fear of isolation and uncertainty and find relief from their symptoms. Your body is your guide and ally in healing. If you're ready to embrace this journey with compassion and awareness, then the show is for you. Tune in weekly as I, a Functional medicine certified health coach, deliver tips and insights that demystify the healing process, guiding you towards the relief you deserve so that you can feel healthy and happy once more.

I had this client called Kavita, and her story is such a powerful reminder of what's possible when we let go of perfection and embrace the small, imperfect steps that truly move us forward. So nine years before she started working with me, she was thriving, active, energetic. And then something happened. She had a knee injury, and that became the starting point of several health issues aches, pains, rashes and all of this left her feeling stuck. And to make things even harder, she was building her first business and the pressure to balance it all. The success, the ambition, the desire to fix her health perfectly was relentless because she believed, like so many of us, that she needed to do everything right before she could even begin. And so months passed and nothing changed. And her sister told her about functional medicine. And even with that, life got in the way, and it took her six months to make a call and take her first imperfect step towards healing.

And when she started working with me, she took that first step. And that's where everything shifted, because she didn't really need to change her life overnight. She just needed to start. And over the next six months, Kavita began to understand her body's triggers and how to actively take care of herself and what stood out when I was working with her for me was this even when she felt overwhelmed or convinced that she, you know, she couldn't continue, she continued to show up for herself and, you know, see, that's where the magic happens when you take that imperfect step forward. And today, she's on her second entrepreneurial journey, but she's doing it very differently this time. And it didn't just this decision didn't just transform her. It gave her family strength and resilience during challenging times.

See, her story is proof that sustainable success isn't about perfection. It is about self-compassion. It's about consistency and starting small. And if Kavita could do it, so can you. So if this story resonates with you, I've got something designed to help you take that first step, no matter how small.

Join me for the Gentle Goals Big Wins Challenge starting January 13th, 2025. Over five days, you will learn how to streamline your health goals. You will build sustainable habits, and you will align your wellness with your body's natural rhythms, all without the stress and overwhelm. And as a bonus, you will receive the Gentle Goals Playbook to guide you throughout the year. So this is your chance to simplify wellness and amplify your life. And you don't need perfection to start. You just need the right kind of support. So I want you to sign up right now. Head to https://aninditarungta.com/gentlegoals.

In her brilliant book, The Gifts of Imperfection, the author Brené Brown makes it clear what perfection is not, and I think this is where you need to start, honestly, because knowing what is it not will help you to understand what perfection actually is and how it's holding you back. She says

Perfection is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth.

Perfectionism is the belief that we, if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect. We can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement.

Perfectionism is, at its core about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance. That that's grades, manners, rule, following people pleasing appearance and sports. And somewhere along the way they adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system "I am what I accomplish and how will I accomplish it?"

 To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment and blame. Develop shame, resilience, and practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame, shame, resilience, we can embrace our imperfections.

And you may be asking, why is this so important? This is important because this may be holding you back from making the necessary changes that you need to do in your life to get your health issues under control, to finally become free of those unpredictable symptoms. To live the life that you always wanted to live. And this goes much beyond becoming free of pain, much beyond becoming free of symptoms or reducing about 50 symptoms. And you don't need to wait for the perfect day, the perfect energy level, the perfect time to do all this. You are doing what you can with what you have right now. And that's enough because you know that this is life. So life can get in the way of what you know. We plan, but we can shrug our shoulders and continue to do our best.

As Anna Quindlen had said,

The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

I couldn't have said it better. So let me guess.

You've been working hard to keep everything together, trying to show up perfectly in all areas of your life, but your body keeps giving you signals that something isn't right, but you are not alone. And I see you because these are some of the ways that this might be showing up for you. So when do you feel like you can take on the world, and next day you are so drained that you can barely get out of bed? And this frustrates you because you can't really plan or keep commitments because you don't know how you'll feel tomorrow, or the nagging stiffness in your joints or tension in your neck and shoulders never really go away. It's like your body is holding on to stress and you're not sure how to release it.

Or maybe you've noticed breakouts, redness, or dry patches on your skin that seem to flare up out of nowhere and you've tried changing a product or a diet, but these patterns feel random and they leave you guessing. And of course, you are not just physically tired and emotionally spent.

Some days you feel terrible, irritable, and shares like you're carrying the weight of the world. On other days, it's hard to be, you know, be enthusiastic about anything. These symptoms aren't just inconvenient, they are your body's way of communicating that something needs to shift.

But here's the thing, my friend healing doesn't require you to overhaul your life overnight.
It starts with that one small, imperfect step. So maybe today it's it's changing a snack, processed snack, or a high carbohydrate snack for something that is nourishing. Maybe it's five minutes of stretching, or maybe it's a short work after dinner. These are not massive, showstopping changes, but they are signals to your body that you're ready to listen and take care of it. And when you combine these gentle steps with self-compassion and the right kind of support, you will start to feel the difference. More energy, more clarity.

So let's stop waiting for the perfect conditions to start your healing journey because your body is ready now. It has been ready for a very long time. So healing is not about being perfect. It's about being present and consistent with yourself. That's enough. And so are you. So these symptoms you're experiencing, whether it's unpredictable energy levels, aches, pains, emotional exhaustion, they are signals. That's what I've been sort of saying. They are your body's way of saying that something isn't working here.

Because the real problem is you're probably caught in a cycle of doing too much right, aiming for that perfect body, aiming for that perfect weight, and you're ignoring your body's need for rest, nourishment, and balance. And make no mistake, we've been conditioned to believe that pushing through is the only way to succeed, because that's how we've what we've done for the most of our lives. Like we live in a quite a patriarchal world. And patriarchy teaches us, whether you're a man or woman, that's what we are led to believe, that we need to keep pushing through and pushing through, and God forbid that we stop and try and understand what our body actually needs. Maybe it wants a break, maybe it wants a nap.

But also, we become so busy taking care of everyone else, we put our needs last on the list. And this can lead to chronic stress because you're always on your body, never gets to a chance to recover. And you know, this actually leads in, you know, to an imbalance in stress hormones like cortisol and can disrupt everything. And that persistent bloating, skin irritation, joint pain. It's often a result of low grade ongoing inflammation. And it's caused by stress, poor sleep, or of course, even the foods.

And and when we are so focused on keeping everything together to be perfect, it is very easy to ignore the subtle cues that our body is giving us. And often these small problems finally snowball into bigger ones, So as I tell my clients, chronic conditions exist on a spectrum. You do not develop an autoimmune condition overnight. You do not develop diabetes overnight. They have been taking place for a long time, a years, if not decades. And your body has been trying to get your attention, but you've been too busy to listen to that. But there is no better moment than right now. Right. And the root of the issue is that it's not your body's fault. It's the mindset that you have to do it all perfectly all the time. And that belief is exhausting your body and creating the very symptoms you are trying to overcome.

But there is a good news that you. The good news again, is you don't need to change your entire life to feel better. So if you like so many women that I work with, you've likely tried everything to feel better, but nothing seems to stick. Nothing seems sustainable. Nothing is long term. And it's really frustrating, isn't it? You're putting in the effort, but the results are not showing up. And so maybe you've tried some of these things. So you have pushed through despite feeling exhausted because you're telling yourself, if I can just push through right now, this busy period, everything will get better.

But no matter how hard you push, your energy levels lower and your symptoms keep piling up and it only deepens the exhaustion, actually. Or maybe you've dived into fad diets. You know, we tried paleo, keto, all kinds of diets, or even the juice diet and the 30 day, you know, there's so many different ones detoxes, supplements. And you might have seen some improvements at first, but the results did not last. Why? Because these approaches often treat surface level symptoms. They don't really address the underlying issues like chronic stress or inflammation. Or maybe you're waiting for the perfect time to start and you're telling yourself one thing settle down. I'll focus on my health.

But here's the truth life rarely slows down and that perfect time never compresses. True for many women I find in their 40s, uh, when their children are much older or even before, when the children are growing up. So when the children are growing up, they say, I'll wait when my children are older, when the children are older, you know, now I need to spend more time with them and soon they'll be leaving for college. So when they leave for college, then I'll. So there is that never, you know, never the right time.

Do not wait for the perfect time to start anything, because things just get from bad to worse. Or you've tried tracking everything. Calorie steps, hours of sleep, but it's left to feeling over. Then the problem is not the tracking. The problem is that complexity can often lead to paralysis, and sometimes less is more. I am not a big fan of tracking everything that I. I do track my sleep. I do not track calories. I do track hours of sleep. I think sleep is highly underrated. I track my steps to some extent, but I track more my movements. So when I teach my clients to do the same. It's not about the number on your watch or your phone, it's more about how you feel. And of course, most of these approaches actually focus on fixing something external a symptom, a behavior, or a schedule.

But the real problem that is not external, it's a mindset of perfectionism and the disconnection from your body that's driving these symptoms. So trying to solve the problem without addressing this mindset issue is like putting a Band-Aid on a deep wound. So it won't really work. And that's why it's not working. You are, of course, doing all the right things, but it's some, you know, somehow it's just not working.

So what if you focused on small, sustainable steps and you started showing yourself some compassion? So when you shift your approach from fixing everything to supporting yourself with small, meaningful actions, something amazing happens. You will not only see improvement in your symptoms, which is steadier energy, better sleep, fewer aches. The most important thing. You will also feel more empowered and confident and in control of your well-being. And that's what leads to long term results. That's what leads to sustainable wellbeing.

Because I don't want you to get an idea that, you know, you will just do these things and you will get well, and then you want you'll slide back. Right. That's what happens to most people. And I don't want it to happen to you, because the solution is not actually getting a perfect plan in place. It's about learning to trust your body and take one imperfect step at a time. Because when you do this, you know how to course correct. That's what all my clients learn. And I'm teaching you, you know, what are the things that you need to focus on today.

And I'm going to share five steps so that you can shift your focus. So if you've tried everything and it's not working, it's not because you're failing. It's because the approach you have taken hasn't really addressed the real problem. So here are five ways to do things differently.

Number one, start small and imperfectly. You don't need to overhaul your life overnight to feel better. Instead, focus on one small, doable action you can take today. For example, instead of committing to a 60 minute workout because maybe it's not working out for you, don't have that much of time. Try a ten minute stretch if you are too exhausted or not really feeling like a full meditation, 45 minutes meditation half an hour meditation session. Take five slow, deep breaths. Before you begin your day. And it works because small, imperfect actions build momentum, which is far more sustainable than actually doing something inconsistently.

In fact, in episode 22, Keep it simple. Small shit's for the chronically ill. , I delve deeper into this topic, and I also shared a ways that you can simplify your approach, and I'll share the link in the show notes.

Number two, reconnect with your body. Your body is always communicating to you. And I keep talking about this because most people are not really aware of this. And because you are listening to this episode, you are listening to this show, and I know that you are. You believe that there is something to this. You don't may you may not be exactly sure what, but you understand intuitively that your body has a big role to play in your healing. So when you start paying attention to what it's telling you, the way you can do it is notice how certain foods, habits or situations make you feel. You can keep a simple journal to track your energy or your mood shifts throughout the day. And of course, you can prioritize rest and recovery when your body signals that it needs a break, because understanding your body's rhythms puts you back in the driver's seat because now you're no longer trying to control it. You are trying to work with your body.

And of course, number three, ditch the perfection mindset. That's what we are talking mostly about today. Healing is not about doing it all perfectly. It's about showing up consistently, even when it feels messy. Here's what this can look like. Give yourself grace on days when you don't hit every goal, focus on what you did accomplish. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion. You know you can say to yourself, I am doing my best and that's enough. Celebrate small wins, like drinking an extra glass of water or taking the short walk after dinner or reading a book, you know. Celebrating small wins doesn't come easily to me, because I'm so focused on all the things that I need to get done, or the goals that I have set for myself. And I've learned to I, you know, I've had to teach myself to do this because it's so important to stay on track and stay motivated with whatever you want to do. And it's one of the, I know, remnants of the perfectionism that I was brought up with. But when you do that, it takes the pressure off you and it creates space for real, lasting progress. Because finally, that's what you want. You want sustainable results. You want sustainable health and well-being, and you want to not only get well and stay well.

So you can check out one of my earlier episodes, episode 32 The Missing Key in Chronic Illness Self-care, and you can learn more about the role of self-compassion.

 That brings us to number four. Seek the right kind of support. You don't have to do this alone. You can have someone guide you, encourage you, and hold you accountable, and that can make all the difference. And it works because this kind of support provides clarity when you feel stuck and motivation when you feel over overwhelmed. And it also helps you feel less alone. You know, when I was dealing with my daughter's health issues, you know, about almost ten years ago, I felt so alone trying to do it all by myself.

 I wished I had somebody like me, what I do for my clients, and then at that time, to hold my hand up. I had, of course, guidance in terms of functional medicine with a practitioner based in the UK. But he wasn't very aware of our culture, Indian culture, Indian foods and diets. And and while he was a major source of support and guidance, I still did not have the day to day support that I desperately needed at that time. So I don't want that to happen because healing doesn't have to feel so hard. So embracing self-compassion and releasing this pursuit of perfection are actually two very important steps that can take you towards sustainable success and well-being.

And this is why it's so important, because perfectionism often leads to chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout. And this relentless pursuit can also result in procrastination, indecisiveness, and a constant fear of failure. And when this you know, when this happens, you are stuck. Like it's like a paralysis analysis. Like you keep finding out. And I know people who do that, who are who've been finding out about and learning more and more all their life about their health issues in particular, but they don't take any steps to do anything about it. So you need to break free from this trap.

The second thing is that self-compassion serves as a buffer against the negative effects of perfectionism. Because when you treat yourself with kindness and understanding, it helps you to cope with the challenges more effectively. And it helps you to maintain, you know, a proper well-being. Also, letting go of perfectionism allows you to set realistic goals, and this actually helps to lead a more balanced and fulfilling life. Because you're celebrating your achievements and your setbacks are, you know, your viewing and setbacks as lessons. This is something that I've taught myself to do over the past, you know, many years now. I never I was not brought up in this manner. We are usually not taught all this.

And of course, embracing self-compassion enhances relationships because you know, when you are able to give show kindness to yourself, you're able to show the kindness towards others as well. And it helps to promote empathy and understanding. And if we have healthy relationships, we definitely are able to deal with health challenges much better. So by focusing on self-compassion and releasing the need for perfection, you can actually create a foundation for success, Whether it's your health, whether it's your life, whether it's your profession. Because this is not only impacts your personal well-being, but also impacts all areas of your life.

And by listening to your body, by supporting it with nourishing habits and showing your self-compassion, you will notice. I mean, you will definitely notice the shifts. Your energy will improve, your sleep will improve, the pain levels will go down. You know, the problem is, was never you. That's what I want to leave you with at the end of this episode.

The problem was never you. It's the idea that you have to be perfect to be human. Let's change that story. Let's rewrite that story together. Thank you so much for joining me today for this episode of Embrace Your Healing Journey. Healing doesn't have to feel hard. You just need to take that first gentle step and keep moving forward one day at a time.

So if you're ready to take that shift, join me for the Gentle Goals Big Wins Challenge starting January 13th, 2025. Together, we will streamline your goals, honor your body, and create sustainable habits that work for your life, not against it. You can sign up by going to https://aninditarungta.com/gentlegoals. 

Or just head to the show notes and then click on the link and sign up for this. This is your time to simplify wellness and amplify your life. Let's start today. In the next episode, ditch the Hustle. Achieve Wellness with simplicity. I will talk about why this constant grind for better health is not just exhausting, it's holding you back so you don't need more diets, more routines, more stress. What you need is a clear, simple, and aligned approach that works with your body, right? We will explore how embracing simplicity can transform your wellness journey. 

So if you're ready to stop doing all the things and start doing what actually works, this episode is for you. Make sure that you tune in. It's time to take back control and amplify your life. I don't want you to miss it. Your body knows how to heal. Are you ready to support it?