E037 I The top 3 boundary mistakes sabotaging your health (and how to fix them now)

Are you constantly saying yes when you really want to say no, or struggling to set boundaries without feeling guilty?

If you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, or finding it hard to show up for yourself, chances are you’re making common boundary mistakes that are keeping you stuck in a cycle of burnout and frustration.

It’s time to stop sacrificing your health for others' demands—and start reclaiming your energy and peace of mind.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• The top three boundary mistakes that are draining your energy and sabotaging your health.
• How to shift your mindset around boundaries so you can prioritize your well-being without guilt.
• Practical steps to start setting boundaries that protect your health, mental space, and emotional well-being.

Ready to take the next step toward healthy boundaries?

Don’t miss out on the 7-Day Challenge: Reclaim Your Power with Healthy Boundaries, starting December 4th. 

Sign up now and start transforming your relationship with yourself and others.

Write to me at anindita@aninditarungta.com. I'd love to hear from you!

OTHER LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Join our free Facebook group: Embrace Your Healing Journey.
• Book - Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Terry Cole
• Sign up for the 7 Days to Calm: Reclaim Your Power with Healthy Boundaries challenge starting December 4th: CLICK HERE TO JOIN!

Chapters

• 3:13 What's a high-functioning codependent?
• 7:00 You often say “yes” when you really want to say “no"

Transcript

What if I told you that the very thing you're afraid to do is the key to protecting your health? Most of us have been taught that setting boundaries means we are being selfish, rude, or unkind. But what if that's the exact reason why you feel burned out? You feel overwhelmed, or even physically exhausted?

The truth is, boundaries aren't walls. They are a bridges to a healthier and more balanced life. And in this episode, the top three Boundary Mistakes Sabotaging Your Health and How to Fix Them Now I'll show you the three boundary mistakes you're probably making and how to change all of that so that you can reclaim your energy, health, and peace of mind.

This is a continuation of the previous episode, episode number 36. If you haven't heard that yet, then I would like you to go back. I'll be sharing the link in the show notes, and if you're ready to take it further and learn the tools to set powerful boundaries, that's going to change your life, join me for the seven day challenge Reclaim Your Power with Healthy Boundaries. Starting on December 4th, you will also get a free workbook packed with exercises to help you reflect, reset, and set boundaries that can carry you confidently into 2025 and beyond.

So let's break this cycle together. Sign up now. And that's all coming up next right here on Embrace Your Healing Journey.

Welcome to Embrace Your Healing Journey, a podcast for women with autoimmune and other chronic conditions to help them navigate the illness without fear of isolation and uncertainty, and find relief from the. Symptoms. Your body is your guide and ally in healing. If you're ready to embrace this journey with compassion and awareness, then the show is for you. Tune in weekly as I, a Functional medicine certified health coach, deliver tips and insights that demystify the healing process, guiding you towards the relief you deserve so that you can feel healthy and happy once more.

I read the book Boundary Boss The Essential Guide to Talk, talk Through, Be Seen and finally, Live Free by Terry Cole last year for the first time. At that time, I had already become aware of the pitfalls of not having healthy boundaries, so I was prepared for what I was about to read, or so I thought. The first two chapters were what I had expected. It was a deep dive into why we need to set boundaries, and I was aware of that, and also the various types of boundary categories.

There are many different types actually, and in that in the exclusive workbook, in the VIP upgrade, you get access to that. They are physical boundaries which are connected to your body. Who has permission to touch you, your personal space, sexual boundaries. What level of sexual touch is acceptable, where, when and with whom? Material boundaries, how others may or may not access what you own, and mental and emotional boundaries, your thoughts, values, opinions and your feelings. There are many more different categories, but these are the main ones. But when I came to chapter three and came across this term high functioning codependency, I realized what I had, you know, been missing all this while. So while I had started to set boundaries, this was something that I had not even been aware of when it came to me.

According to the author, Terry Cole,

To be a high functioning codependent means to feel overly responsible for the feelings and actions of certain people in your life. It can manifest as over functioning, over giving, and automatically offering advice in relationships as an attempt to control outcomes, especially when they are not your outcomes. And this hyperfocus on the lives of others dictates that your personal needs and desires get sidelined.

The childhood experiences of high functioning codependence vary. You might have grown up in a chaotic, strict, abusive, neglectful, or substance addicted family system. You might have been taught to prioritize pleasing others. You might have been identified, meaning forced into the role of caregiver or saddled with adult responsibilities from a young age.

 These experiences can condition you to anticipate and prioritize the needs of others ahead of your own. She goes on to say, one thing is for certain to become a high functioning codependent. Your childhood was in some way dysfunctional, and that leads to these behavioral patterns of over responsibility that can be tough to break for high functioning codependence helping, fixing, doing, and saving on an ingrained unconscious compulsion

To be clear, she says, I do not consider codependent people weak or less than far from it. Since my clients did not identify with the old school connotations of codependence, I coined a new term high functioning codependent HFC.

Oh my God. It was as if I could finally see what was going on with my life, right? See, she had termed this for someone like me because when my father passed away, when we were very young, it was some, you know, a somewhat parental fixation. It was a dysfunctional family, a child who to that extent, of course, my mother, uh, you know, she gave it her all. And I'm so grateful to be where we where I am, where my brother is. It's all because of her that there's no doubt about that. But to some extent, I did take up the responsibilities of, you know, and I felt that I was responsible for the happiness of especially my mother and also my brother. So that tends to happen in situations like this. You know, there's nothing, uh, that is wrong about it. But now at this age, to become really aware of this was a, you know, was an eye opener for me.

So helping, fixing, doing, saving others have always been a part of my life. And I didn't realize till now why that it was so. But now I could finally give up my need to solve the problems of others. I could be there for them, but without feeling this need to solve each and every problem, I realized that I could be supportive in other ways that were healthier, both for them and for myself, and especially, I think, the emotional work I carried around unconsciously to keep others around me comfortable and happy. I could lay that down, I could let that go, and now I could care for them without putting myself last.

Because this tends to lead to resentment and frustration and disappointment. And that's not really healthy for any relationships. And as I started practicing this, as I became more aware of my tendency to be a high functioning codependent and then letting go of some of these things, I found that my levels of resentment, disappointment, frustration with others have gone down drastically. And it's freed up, freed me up to be more present for my relationships and my life. So if you want to learn more about this, I highly recommend the book. I have shared the link to buy the book in the show notes below.

So you might be feeling constantly drained, as if you're giving everything to others and barely having anything left for yourself. Maybe you often say yes when you really want to say no, and the thought of setting boundaries makes you feel guilty or selfish. Raise your hand. I know I can't see you if this is you, because this is so many of us, right? And it was me for many, many years. So perhaps you're carrying the weight of others emotions or problems, even at the expense of your own health and happiness. Women tend to do this a lot more than men. I mean, many women have, you know, we are we are nurturers and caregivers by nature, and we tend to do this. We tend to carry a lot of the emotional weight of other people. You might find yourself feeling resentful, frustrated, or even physically exhausted from always putting other people's needs ahead of your own.

The mental and emotional toll of over giving can actually lead to anxiety, burnout, or even flare ups of chronic conditions that you're already managing. So whether you have a condition or you don't right now, whether you have a health issue or not, it doesn't matter because it can lead to all these issues. And if this sounds familiar, you are not alone. As I mentioned, these patterns are actually quite common, especially for those of us who have been conditioned to prioritize other's needs over our own. And this is, I think, majority, vast majority of women. But the good news is you can actually break free from this cycle, because by learning to set healthy boundaries, you can start protecting your energy and showing up for yourself without feeling guilty or overwhelmed. It's time for you to prioritize your well-being, because you deserve to feel balanced and empowered in your relationships. But what stops people from doing this, actually?

Of course it is a lack of healthy boundaries which directly impacts their physical, mental, and emotional health. So what happens is, when you don't set boundaries, you're allowing external demands, whether it's from your family, whether it's from your work or society. And it constantly drains your energy and resources like mental and emotional resources and this lack of boundaries, as I said, can cause chronic stress, which is so common it can cause burnout and emotional exhaustion. And then this, over a long period of time, can manifest in physical symptoms. It can be fatigue, it can be anxiety, it can be flare ups. I mean, your existing conditions can become worse.

So not setting healthy boundaries, where you're constantly giving, fixing or overwork functioning can come at a very, very high cost. And the stress you carry from not expressing or asserting your needs. It also tends to manifest as tension, frustration, and a constant feeling of being overwhelmed. There is this undercurrent of anxiety that are, you know, low levels of anxiety that a lot of people tend to live with. And this this is a cycle that, you know, we get tend to get stuck in. It's a loop of self-sacrifice. And it's not healthy at all.


Because the real issue here is that without boundaries, you're not just neglecting your health, you're neglecting your sense of self. You lose who you were. You we were as a young girl. So many of us lose touch with that small child, with that inner, you know, with that girl that we used once, used to be. And I think a lot of us, uh, you know, when we are in our 30, late 30s or certainly 40s and 50s and beyond, we actually start looking for that girl that we lost so many years ago. You lose touch with your personal desires, limits and needs, and it can cause a breakdown in overall health, you know, then we tend to sort of have so many different health issues, but this never gets covered, actually. And then we tend to go back to that same cycle. So we get better. And then again, we since we don't have good healthy boundaries or we have porous boundaries, uh, we keep going back to the same situations.

So again, the upcoming challenge online challenge seven days to Calm, Reclaim Your Power with Healthy Boundaries, which starts on December 4th. You will learn how to set boundaries that will foster deeper self-care.

So you've likely tried various things to, you know, solve this problem of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, but they may not have not brought lasting relief, and you might have tried to push through stress. Or maybe you've tried setting boundaries, but they haven't worked for you. The reason is that these are the three common mistakes that most people make when it even comes to boundary setting. Even those of us who are setting boundaries and they can sabotage our efforts without even realizing it.

So the mistake number one is confusing boundaries with barriers. This is so common. I mean, I used to feel that way that, you know, boundaries are like putting up barriers. So maybe you've thought that boundaries meant pushing people away, so you avoided setting limits altogether or overcompensated by saying yes when you really wanted to say no. This approach leaves you feeling drained and resentful, and it and, you know, without creating the space that you actually need to heal for self-care. So believing that boundaries would make you appear distant or unkind, you didn't set any. And that's that's mistake number one.

Mistake number two, waiting until you are burnt out to set boundaries. So you may have only set limits when you're already on the verge of burnout and deep exhaustion, thinking you could power on through till then. Unfortunately, by the time you are by that time, you're too emotionally overwhelmed to communicate your needs. So you need to do this when you are actually not at that stage, right? And because reaching that stage where you are feeling depleted can actually lead to conflict or even more frustration. So this process becomes harder and less effective when you are at that stage. So you need to set boundaries when you're not, uh, you know, feeling burnt out. So that's mistake number two.

And mistake number three over explaining or apologizing for your boundaries. This is the other one that I struggled with. So you might have tried to set boundaries but found yourself over explaining or apologizing, perhaps because you fear disappointing others or feeling guilty for putting yourself first. This habit often weakens the boundary that you are trying to create, right? And it invites pushback from others. So you need to be able to respect the boundary first so that others can also follow your lead. So there's no need to overexplain or justify the boundaries, because that makes them less clear and less respected. You're doing this for the right reasons.

These mistakes are often subtle and ingrained, right? We don't even realize that we were. I certainly didn't realize that I was making, you know, the I was making these mistakes. So they actually prevent you from establishing healthy boundaries. So mistake number one was confusing boundaries with barriers, which. It does not mean that you're pushing people away. That's not what boundaries are about. And mistake number two, it's waiting until you're burnt out to set boundaries. You're reaching till the end of your tether and then trying to set boundaries. That's not really effective. And mistake number three is trying to overexplain or apologize. Do not say sorry for setting a boundary where you're taking care of your own emotional, physical and spiritual health. So instead of continuing this cycle, uh, you know, this is what you can do.

You can reframe boundaries as self-care, not selfishness. Start with reframing this for yourself.  So this start viewing boundaries as an act of self-respect. So setting clear limits is not about rejecting others. It's not about others at all actually. It's about protecting your time, energy, and emotional well-being so they allow you to show up more fully in your relationships. You're able to give more of yourself. They the way you would like to for your loved ones without depleting yourself at the same time.

Number two- set proactive boundaries before you burn out. That's mistake number two so you can start small. Whether it's reserving time for rest or saying no to a request that you don't really want to do, maybe you don't want to go to that party after all, right? And you are really exhausted about the whole week. So don't you know you have to start building these boundaries into your daily life. You know, anything needs anything new that you are doing needs practice. So you need to start practicing this on a day to day basis.

And when you are setting a boundary, be clear and confident. No need to justify or apologize. Be respectful. Being respectful is different from justification and apologizing a simple, respectful I am not available for that right now. Maybe someone else can help you with that. It's more than enough. It teaches others how to respect your limits and reinforces your commitment to your own well-being. These shifts actually sounds simple, but they are not always easy to implement. Because this is how we have conditioned for the longest time, and going against our conditioning takes a lot of effort and practice.

At least that's why it was with me. I mean, I have been doing this for a while, and even then when I read the book, it was still an eye opener and I'm still practicing it. But if you want to join me, and if you want my support and the support of the community in doing this, you can actually join us for the seven day challenge Reclaim Your Power with Healthy Boundaries. Starting on December 4th, I will guide you through practical exercises to shift your mindset around boundaries. You will start practice setting small, actionable limits. So we'll be doing each one task each day, and you will build confidence in communicating your needs and create sustainable habits. So if you're tired of feeling drained, overwhelmed, or like you're constantly putting others before yourself, this challenge is for you. It's time for you to take back control and create space for your own healing and peace of mind. So I've shared the link below so you can sign up for the challenge. It will help you break free from this cycle.

Setting healthy boundaries is not just about saying no, it's about reclaiming control over your life. It's about protecting a time, energy, and emotional well-being because you would like to show up as the best version of yourself, right? Uh, that's what we are here. We are here to share our gifts with the world. Not, you know, pass on to the next life without these gifts being unopened. But that's true for so, so many of us.  so we want to be able to find a way to actually thrive.

But without boundaries, we can risk becoming a passive, passive participant in our own lives, constantly reacting to others demands like, we don't even know what we want anymore. And that's not something that you would like to, you know, that's not something that you would enjoy. And that's where many women are. They lose sight of their own needs, their own identity, because they've been taking care of others for so long. It's so common. Which is why I choose to work in this area. I choose to create these challenges and over time this can lead to burnout, stress, emotional depletion, and other physical manifestations of of all of this. And you know, it is all preventable, because you are essentially allowing others to dictate how much time, energy and space you have if you don't have clear boundaries. And this creates a vicious, toxic cycle when you give and give and there's nothing left and you pay a huge price for it physical, mental, emotional, and it's actually unsustainable.

You deserve more than this.

You deserve more than just surviving and just bite knuckling through life.

You deserve to thrive.

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be the best version of yourself and to find joy and healthy.

Boundaries are the foundation for better health, stronger relationships, and greater self respect. So when you establish and hold your uphold your boundaries, your signaling to yourself and others that your needs matter. That you matter. And this is where the sense of empowerment, clarity and control comes in. That's why I say you can actually reclaim your power when you set healthy boundaries. And you're not just protecting yourself from exhaustion and resentment, you're actively creating the space that you need for healing and for growth. And when you do this, that's when you open the door, the path to a more fulfilling and peaceful life.

That's that's the beauty of doing these kind of having these kind of practices in your life by of becoming more aware of how a lack of healthy band boundaries is actually sabotaging your health.

So once again, join us for the seven day challenge. Reclaim your power with healthy boundaries. so you can transform your relationship with yourself, reclaim your energy, and step into your life, Which way you can prioritize your own health and happiness. So take the first step now. Your future self will thank you. If there are any questions that you have, you can write to me at the at the rate and in the comm. I would love to hear from you. 

Thank you so much for tuning in today for Embrace Your Healing Journey podcast in the next episode, New year, new You. Why chronic illness doesn't have to define a 2025 and beyond. I'll show you how to shift your mindset and set empowering, achievable goals that help you embrace your health journey and make the next year your most transformative yet. 

Your body knows how to heal. Are you ready to support it?